Saturday, March 5, 2011

Just goes to show...

I started this blog almost a year ago with the full intention of writing you (my sons, your future wives, and my hopeful future daughters) to show you who I really am now- while you are young.  So what the heck happened?!


It has been a long year.  You boys (Rhythm and Lion Cub) are a handful- especially Lion Cub!  I was also put in charge of a new blogging program for a ministry that I love- which has been INCREDIBLY time consuming.

Then there has been the prolonged postpartum depression.  For the longest time I didn't even really think that was what it was.  But as the days drug on and my motivation and energy failed to return and anger continued to be an over-riding emotion in my day-to-day, I began to realize that this was, indeed, what I was dealing with.

In some ways it was freeing to put a label on it.  To say, "Ok- that is what I've got.  Now that I know what it is I can work to fix it."

It still isn't easy.  I have my good days and my bad.  It's a struggle and I want to be better.  But I know it will take time and lots of prayer.

I think for a long time I was trying to fill myself up- busy myself, focus on myself, figure out what it was that I needed/wanted.  What I found was that this only made things worse.  As I focused on myself there was no choice but to put you boys and your father on the back burner, so to speak.  Bitterness began to meander here and it became ugly.
Eventually I realized that the time I spent focusing on the three of you actually made me feel better.  When I focus on you guys I am doing my job- what I am supposed to be doing.  More importantly, what God has planned for me to do.  And well, you're always happier when you are doing what God has planned for you.

A lot of it is just about being present with you guys- being attentive to your needs and not getting caught up with what it was that I was wanting to accomplish.  I'm such a task oriented person that this doesn't come naturally for me but I am trying.  I'm laying out my priorities and it is helping.
In the midst of all this I have had to step back and do some serious re-evaluating of my blogging.  Over at Mama Kenz Studio I feel like I have lost much of the heart of blogging- writing- and it has become more about reviews.  While I love the free products, it just isn't what I want my blogging experience to be.  The World According to Them has been desperately neglected and I have so much back-logging of pictures and life that it is a little mind-numbing.

For now I just need to do the catch-up.  Bring you boys' blog up to speed and then see where this blogging journey is taking me.  I have devoted a lot of prayer to where it is I will be going.  It may be on entirely new blog all together, just to gain a fresh start.  I struggle with loosing my readers, but I know that if I am following what the Lord wants, then He has the ability to do much greater things with the new blogging ministry He sets me in.  For now, I am waiting on Him.

So, whether I continue here (or really start, practically) or move to a whole new space, I do intend to at least make The Research Years a feature.  I truly want to have these letters as a legacy for you- a treasury of sorts, but it just obviously isn't working right here. 

Lots to think about.  I'll keep you posted.  :-*
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